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This programme contains
some strong language.

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GUITAR RIFF

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Is that all right?

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Oh, it looks lovely.

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<font color="

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Aye, no bother.

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Can I get my Magnum now?

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People are going to start
arriving soon.

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And plus we've still got all this
stuff from the Christmas market
to put out.

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Oh, aye.

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<font color="
wee traditional German
gingerbready things.

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They look brilliant, though, don't
they?

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Do you want to try one? Aye, go on.

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What do you think?

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<font color="

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DOOR BELL RINGS

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Hiya.

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Hi, Michelle.

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How you doing? So good to see you.

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What's with all the lights?

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Is it Christmas or something?

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Well, I think your house
looks absolutely lovely.

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<font color="

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Oh, I like yours.

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It's that wee bits of tinsel you've
got at the front there
on your hedge?

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Oh, no, it's just some crisp bags
we've no had the chance to pick
out yet, Michelle.

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Come in.

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<font color="

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Oh, thank you.

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Hi Alan.

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All right, Eric, hi.

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Hi, Beth. Merry Christmas.

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Oh, merry Christmas, Alan.

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Thanks for inviting us.

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Ah, no bother, Beth.

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Thought we deserved a wee
get-together.

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<font color="
Oh, ha-ha.

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I had my worst night out last night.
Oh, aye. What did you get up to?

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Quite traditional, Eric.

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Big curry then up to the pole
dancing.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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I'll get that.

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<font color="

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Coming.

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Merry Christmas!

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Well, it is now.

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Yeah, you're looking lovely,
Michelle.

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Oh, thanks, Colin.

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And so do you, Kathy.

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Eh?

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<font color="

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Here, I love your wee reindeers
there.

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Oh, thank you.

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They're so cute, aren't they?

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Oh, beautiful animals, reindeer.

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You ever eaten one?

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What?

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Colin loves his meat, Michelle.

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<font color="

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Hiya, folks.

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Hiya, Kathy, hi, Colin!

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Take Cathy's coat, will you, Alan.

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Thanks, Alan.

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Oh, you big, chunky monkey.

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Here's a wee
bottle for you, Michelle.

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Oh!

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SHE LAUGHS

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<font color="

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Oh, that's just in case, you know,

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you don't have any in the hoose.

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You cannae have a Christmas party
without a wee bit of mistletoe.

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Well, I suppose not, eh?

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I'll kiss anyone except Eric.

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Right, who's ready for a wee
<font color="

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Me. Oh, yes.

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Shall we start with a wee glass of
something fizzy? Woohoo.

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Oh, that would be lovely, aye.
Can I get a cider?

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No, you're getting them.

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So, er you're looking forward
<font color="

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Oh, aye, we're just going
to have a lazy day, aren't we, Cath?

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Oh, yeah.

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Who can be arsed getting up at 8am
to open presents?

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Oh, that's my favourite bit.
I love a surprise.

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Well, no pressure, Eric.

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<font color="

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What are you getting her?

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A blender.

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Here we are.

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Thank you.

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Thanks, Michelle.

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So you're staying at home
for Christmas, then?

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What are yous doing
for Christmas dinner?

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<font color="

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Wow! I do.

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We've got a voucher
from The New City.

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Aye, they're doing a Christmas
banquet. It's five courses. Er, six.

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If you include the litre of Pepsi.

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<font color="

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Oh, cheers. Right, well, thank you
so much for coming.

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Aw. Cheers.

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Cheers. Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas!

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Merry Christmas!

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DOORBELL RINGS

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<font color="

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Is it OK? Oh, it's lovely, aye.
Very good.

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Hi, Al. Hi, Christine.
How are you doing?

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Aye, no' bad, they are.
Are you coming in?

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No, I'm going round the doors
<font color="

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Of course I'm coming in.

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Ah! Ah! Christine.

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Hello, Michelle.
Are you all right, Christine?

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Hello, everybody. Hello, Christine.
Hiya, Christine.

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<font color="
ready to party?!

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That's me just back
from the chapel.

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Father DeMarco gave Pat
another wee mention,

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so it was quite emotional.

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How long's that been now?

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Two months, three weeks come
<font color="

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Quite a milestone.

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Oh, Christine, I remember the first
Christmas after my granny died.

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Remember that, Alan?

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Aye, that dragged on right through
to New Year.

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I don't know how I'll be
without her.

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<font color="
for 28 years,

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we were on the phone
to each other...

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..except for 2005 when she got that
fucking cordless Sanyo.

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You must really miss her.
I do, Michelle.

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I still feel her presence
<font color="

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Do you?

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Though it could be the smell
of fags aff that anorak

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she left at the bottom of my stairs.

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Well, listen, would you like
a drink of something, Christine?

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We're all on the prosecco.

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<font color="

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I'm no' sure about that.

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It just wouldnae feel right.

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Oh, come on, you can have something,
though.

142
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Like what?

143
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Well, what would Pat have had?

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Aye, you're right.

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I'll take a can of Stella
<font color="

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Was church busy?

147
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Oh, it was, Beth, yes.

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I had to take my stick to make sure
I got a seat down the front.

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I love church at Christmas.

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So do I, Michelle.

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That one next to the Santander
<font color="

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That's a Wetherspoons, is it not?

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It is, Eric, yeah.

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Father DeMarco has asked me, seeing
as I'm now one of his regulars,

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if I would like to do a wee reading
at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve.

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<font color="
to do, Christine.

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Oh, it is, Beth.

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Busiest night of them all.

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They're talking about a row of
Portaloos being brought in

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to deal with the crowd that comes
straight from the pub.

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<font color="
help yourself to a wee nibble.

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Oh, these look lovely.

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Got them at the German market.

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Oh, we passed that the other day,
didn't we, Eric?

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Oh, aye, aye. All the hams
and hot dogs and stuff.

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<font color="
up a pig, that lot.

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Colin's tried knuckles.

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Well, listen, I don't know how good
they are, but have a wee taste.

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I just thought they looked quite
nice and Christmassy.

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Bless you, my angel.

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<font color="

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You have been a fantastic support
to me these last few weeks.

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You really have.

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Peace be with you.

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Right, what do you think?

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Oh, they're fucking stinking,
Michelle.

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So was it last night you were on
<font color="

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Friday before Christmas, people
staggering about,

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pissed out their minds.

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It sounds brilliant.

181
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Aye, the boss gave us all wee Santa
hats to wear. Oh, did he, aye?

182
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<font color="

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Aye, it's good.

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If they see you peeing on the CCTV
cannae tell who's who.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh.

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TOGETHER: Hi! Merry Christmas.

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Oh, merry Christmas.

189
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So nice to see yous.

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<font color="

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Hello! Hi!

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Go on, you boys.

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HE CHUCKLES

194
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Merry Christmas. Good to see you.

195
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Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas,
son. Merry Christmas.

196
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<font color="
the Christmas jumper on.

197
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I've got a new bra on, Gordon.

198
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Hey, Christine. Hello, Ian.

199
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We were very sorry
to hear about your friend, Pat.

200
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Oh, thank you, Gordon.

201
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It has been a difficult time,

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<font color="
of the Lord.

203
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And this JD's taken the edge off it
as well.

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Give us a proper look at the jumper,
then, Gordon.

205
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Oh! Oh, look at the stars.

206
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I looked at something
<font color="

207
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Never mind the stars, you'd get the
whole of Bethlehem across him.

208
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Oh, now that's for you.

209
00:09:48,760 --> 00:09:50,520
Aw, thank you.

210
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:52,720
Just as a wee thank you
for inviting us.

211
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Psst, psst! Gordon, Gordon.
I spy mistletoe!

212
00:10:00,120 --> 00:10:03,760
<font color="
all set for Christmas?

213
00:10:03,760 --> 00:10:07,400
Just about, yeah.
What's your plans, the pair of you?

214
00:10:07,400 --> 00:10:09,160
We're going down to my mum
and dad's.

215
00:10:09,160 --> 00:10:11,000
Yeah, we were just talking
to them earlier

216
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,520
and I know it's a bit late in the
<font color="

217
00:10:13,520 --> 00:10:16,480
fancied, you could come down with us
and have Christmas at theirs.

218
00:10:16,480 --> 00:10:19,000
Oh wow. Oh. Well, is...

219
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:22,240
Well, you've not got anything on,
have you? No, no, no, no.

220
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:24,960
<font color="
They'd be so pleased if you came.

221
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:28,000
What will you do, Christine?

222
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,120
Oh, I'll be fine.

223
00:10:30,120 --> 00:10:32,200
I've got my Midnight Mass

224
00:10:32,200 --> 00:10:34,160
and Christmas Day itself

225
00:10:34,160 --> 00:10:37,280
I will just spend
in quiet reflection.

226
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:38,840
Are you sure?

227
00:10:38,840 --> 00:10:40,520
<font color="

228
00:10:40,520 --> 00:10:42,360
Godzilla's on Channel 5.

229
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:46,920
Well, OK, then, why not?

230
00:10:46,920 --> 00:10:49,360
Hey-hey! I'll text him now.

231
00:10:49,360 --> 00:10:51,640
Oh, that's great. That's smashing.

232
00:10:51,640 --> 00:10:53,880
Wish them a merry Christmas
from us, Gordon.

233
00:10:53,880 --> 00:10:57,360
Oh, and stick a wee kiss on the end
<font color="

234
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:01,480
Do you want to send a wee
kiss to Graham, Cath?

235
00:11:01,480 --> 00:11:03,920
Who's Graham? Gordon's dad.

236
00:11:03,920 --> 00:11:07,160
Remember Gordon's dad Graham?
Oh, yeah, yeah.

237
00:11:07,160 --> 00:11:08,680
No.

238
00:11:08,680 --> 00:11:10,240
Two for your mum from me.

239
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:19,280
I'm hoping he gives me one
<font color="

240
00:11:19,280 --> 00:11:22,400
like, when they turn up
at the inn or something,

241
00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:25,480
though I don't think I should get
the birth itself.

242
00:11:25,480 --> 00:11:29,000
That should be left for someone
who's fully ordained.

243
00:11:30,560 --> 00:11:33,160
Are you sure your mum and dad will
<font color="

244
00:11:33,160 --> 00:11:34,360
Yeah, yeah, they'll be fine.

245
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:37,160
Not unless they went in my old room
and we took the sofabed.

246
00:11:37,160 --> 00:11:38,960
Could do. Honestly, they'll be fine.

247
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,200
Michelle!

248
00:11:40,200 --> 00:11:42,960
Or maybe my mum and dad
might want to give them their room,

249
00:11:42,960 --> 00:11:45,400
<font color="
and we go in my old room.

250
00:11:45,400 --> 00:11:48,480
I'll need to get a present
for Graham and Sandra.

251
00:11:48,480 --> 00:11:52,560
Tin of biscuits? How would you feel
if somebody turned up

252
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,520
at your house for Christmas
with a tin of biscuits?

253
00:11:55,520 --> 00:11:58,760
<font color="
a present for your mum.

254
00:11:58,760 --> 00:12:01,840
Oh, don't worry about that. No, no,
no. I'll need to get something.

255
00:12:01,840 --> 00:12:03,040
Well, get her a voucher.

256
00:12:03,040 --> 00:12:05,200
That's what we give to people
we're not fussed about.

257
00:12:05,200 --> 00:12:06,720
<font color="

258
00:12:06,720 --> 00:12:10,040
But also for special people
like you.

259
00:12:11,160 --> 00:12:13,480
Something for the house maybe?

260
00:12:13,480 --> 00:12:15,720
An air fryer.

261
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,160
A what? Aye, good for chips.

262
00:12:20,160 --> 00:12:25,720
Oh, bugger that, better still -
has she got a deep fat fryer?

263
00:12:25,720 --> 00:12:27,440
<font color="

264
00:12:27,440 --> 00:12:30,040
and then Ian could get her
a couple of bottles of oil.

265
00:12:30,040 --> 00:12:33,560
No, we do a Secret Santa,
so what happens is everyone gets

266
00:12:33,560 --> 00:12:35,760
given someone to buy for,
but you're not allowed to say

267
00:12:35,760 --> 00:12:39,080
who it is and then you put them
<font color="

268
00:12:39,080 --> 00:12:41,240
opens them and you guess
who bought what?

269
00:12:41,240 --> 00:12:42,520
And what's the limit, Gordon?

270
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:43,640
£20.

271
00:12:43,640 --> 00:12:44,840
Does she smoke?

272
00:12:46,880 --> 00:12:50,480
BandM, Beth, get in there.

273
00:12:50,480 --> 00:12:55,000
Aw, you could have a field day
in there with that budget.

274
00:12:55,000 --> 00:12:57,880
<font color="
actually save a lot of hassle.

275
00:12:57,880 --> 00:12:59,440
That's what we did in my work.

276
00:12:59,440 --> 00:13:03,600
Oh, Santa getting you wee secret
presents, eh, Michelle?

277
00:13:04,960 --> 00:13:06,560
What did you get?

278
00:13:06,560 --> 00:13:08,520
Oh, this wee karaoke set thing.

279
00:13:08,520 --> 00:13:11,720
Oh, that sounds no' bad.
<font color="

280
00:13:11,720 --> 00:13:14,640
Oh! Oh! Kazoos! Kazoos!

281
00:13:14,640 --> 00:13:16,760
Kazoos! Oh, it's quite fun.

282
00:13:16,760 --> 00:13:17,920
Where is it, Alan?

283
00:13:19,960 --> 00:13:22,560
I think it's through in my bag.
Go and get it.

284
00:13:22,560 --> 00:13:24,720
So what you two got planned
<font color="

285
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:27,240
We'll be having a very lazy day,
Ian.

286
00:13:27,240 --> 00:13:30,840
In fact, I'll not be getting
in my pyjamas the whole day.

287
00:13:33,320 --> 00:13:35,600
Oh, obviously, I'll pull
them down for that.

288
00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:37,920
What about Christmas dinner?

289
00:13:37,920 --> 00:13:40,040
We got vouchers for the Chinese.

290
00:13:40,040 --> 00:13:41,760
<font color="

291
00:13:41,760 --> 00:13:44,520
That means a lot of it goes
in the bin.

292
00:13:45,560 --> 00:13:48,440
Is this it? Oh, that's that.

293
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:49,640
How you play it?

294
00:13:49,640 --> 00:13:53,240
Well, someone picks a card
with the name of a song on it

295
00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:57,280
and you play it on the kazoo and
<font color="

296
00:13:57,280 --> 00:14:00,440
Oh, come on. We'll have a wee game
of it, will we?

297
00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:01,600
Oh, yeah. Aye, come on.

298
00:14:01,600 --> 00:14:03,320
Yeah, let's all play kazoos

299
00:14:03,320 --> 00:14:06,600
and then get stuck into the fucking
tiddlywinks after.

300
00:14:06,600 --> 00:14:08,920
Cathy. Don't listen to her,
<font color="

301
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,800
Right, well, who wants to go first?

302
00:14:11,800 --> 00:14:14,080
Dad, you do it.
Aye, on you go, Eric.

303
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:16,280
Oh, well, all right, then, OK.

304
00:14:16,280 --> 00:14:18,440
Er, right, I'll take that one.

305
00:14:18,440 --> 00:14:23,000
And then someone has to guess the
name of the song he's playing.

306
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,600
Christine.

307
00:14:24,600 --> 00:14:28,240
<font color="
for games, Michelle.

308
00:14:28,240 --> 00:14:30,760
You wanting another JD? Please, aye.

309
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,200
I'll do it.

310
00:14:33,200 --> 00:14:35,960
I love games. Cathy, have you ever
played the one where...?

311
00:14:37,520 --> 00:14:38,720
I'll guess.

312
00:14:38,720 --> 00:14:40,280
Good lad, Gordon.

313
00:14:40,280 --> 00:14:42,920
<font color="

314
00:14:42,920 --> 00:14:44,120
All right, aye, look.

315
00:14:45,320 --> 00:14:48,280
Oh, jeezo! This was on
in the car this morning.

316
00:14:48,280 --> 00:14:51,520
No clues, Eric. Stop cheating.

317
00:14:51,520 --> 00:14:52,920
Oh, right, OK.

318
00:14:52,920 --> 00:14:54,200
OK, you ready?

319
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:55,240
Mm-hm. Yes.

320
00:14:56,760 --> 00:14:58,600
ON KAZOO: Stop The Cavalry
<font color="

321
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:07,960
I know it. I know.

322
00:15:07,960 --> 00:15:09,160
I know too. Aye.

323
00:15:09,160 --> 00:15:10,920
Well?

324
00:15:10,920 --> 00:15:12,720
Oh, come on, you must know that!

325
00:15:14,320 --> 00:15:16,200
Do it again for him.

326
00:15:16,200 --> 00:15:18,200
ON KAZOO: Stop The Cavalry
by Jona Lewie

327
00:15:32,560 --> 00:15:34,040
HE HUMS THE MELODY

328
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:36,840
<font color="

329
00:15:42,480 --> 00:15:46,560

for Christmas!

330
00:15:46,560 --> 00:15:49,240
ALL HUM THE MELODY

331
00:15:53,360 --> 00:15:54,800
CHEERING

332
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,800
Marvellous! Such a great song.

333
00:15:59,280 --> 00:16:00,640
Can you do it again?

334
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:06,320
It is a big honour
to be asked, Cathy.

335
00:16:06,320 --> 00:16:10,320
<font color="
other mass

336
00:16:10,320 --> 00:16:13,080
in the whole rest of the year.

337
00:16:13,080 --> 00:16:16,360
In what way? Well, it's at
fucking midnight for a start.

338
00:16:16,360 --> 00:16:19,040
And what time would they normally
sit down?

339
00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:24,000
About four or something?
<font color="

340
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:26,280
Well, what time would you normally
have it?

341
00:16:26,280 --> 00:16:27,920
No later than two.

342
00:16:27,920 --> 00:16:29,520
Well, two's fine.

343
00:16:29,520 --> 00:16:32,360
But that means you're sitting
down for your starter at half one?

344
00:16:32,360 --> 00:16:36,240
Oh, for God's sake, would you stop
fussing about this?

345
00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:42,040
<font color="

346
00:16:44,600 --> 00:16:47,080
So when are you getting down the
road, then? Oh, Jeez, don't.

347
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,360
That'll be the next thing.

348
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:49,480
"What day are we going?

349
00:16:49,480 --> 00:16:50,600
"What time are we leaving?

350
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:53,240
"What service station are we
<font color="

351
00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,240
Oh, Michelle's the same.

352
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:59,040
See for this, she's wanting to
bake cakes and everything.

353
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:01,480
I says to her,
"What is the point?

354
00:17:01,480 --> 00:17:03,400
"It's only the fucking neighbours."

355
00:17:03,400 --> 00:17:05,680
Honest to God, I'm stressed
<font color="

356
00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:10,960
Come on out the back a minute.

357
00:17:21,280 --> 00:17:23,720
Where did you get that?
On my work's night out.

358
00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:29,840
Oh, Christine, how are you
feeling?

359
00:17:29,840 --> 00:17:31,200
Do you want a wee mince pie?

360
00:17:31,200 --> 00:17:33,080
Oh, that's lovely.

361
00:17:33,080 --> 00:17:34,880
Thanks very much, Michelle.

362
00:17:34,880 --> 00:17:36,080
<font color="

363
00:17:36,080 --> 00:17:38,120
Well, the German market?

364
00:17:38,120 --> 00:17:40,400
No, you're all right, hen.

365
00:17:40,400 --> 00:17:42,560
I'm so pleased you're coming
for Christmas.

366
00:17:42,560 --> 00:17:44,000
Oh! We're looking forward to it.

367
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:46,680
It's lovely of your mum
and dad to invite us.

368
00:17:46,680 --> 00:17:49,280
<font color="
So win-win.

369
00:17:49,280 --> 00:17:52,080
You'll be waited on hand and
foot, the pair of you.

370
00:17:52,080 --> 00:17:54,360
Change for her, no' for him.

371
00:17:54,360 --> 00:17:57,920
See when you're a guest, you need
to be on your best behaviour.

372
00:17:57,920 --> 00:18:00,440
No wandering about in your pants.

373
00:18:00,440 --> 00:18:04,080
<font color="
smelly shits either, Eric.

374
00:18:05,200 --> 00:18:06,520
Yeah, that's a point.

375
00:18:06,520 --> 00:18:09,280
How many bathrooms has your mum
and dad got?

376
00:18:09,280 --> 00:18:11,400
Just the one. Uh-oh!

377
00:18:11,400 --> 00:18:14,840
Has she no' got
a wee cloakroom downstairs, Gordon?

378
00:18:14,840 --> 00:18:16,400
No.

379
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:21,920
<font color="
boyfriend did all his number twos

380
00:18:21,920 --> 00:18:25,680
at the gym, so there was no
crossover whatsoever.

381
00:18:25,680 --> 00:18:27,560
That's a good idea.

382
00:18:27,560 --> 00:18:32,440
Is there a pub or anywhere close by
he could use, Gordon?

383
00:18:32,440 --> 00:18:33,640
Oh, for...

384
00:18:35,520 --> 00:18:38,440
<font color="
Me neither.

385
00:18:38,440 --> 00:18:42,560
Well, apart from last night. Was it
a mad one, was it? No' really.

386
00:18:42,560 --> 00:18:44,200
It's just cos one of the guys
gave it to me

387
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,760
because he was going home early,
<font color="

388
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,800
Aye, and they wouldnae let him take
it with him

389
00:18:48,800 --> 00:18:50,080
in the ambulance, so, yeah.

390
00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:54,120
All right? What are you doing?

391
00:18:55,320 --> 00:18:57,040
Just having a wee smoke.
You want some?

392
00:18:57,040 --> 00:18:58,400
Is...

393
00:18:59,560 --> 00:19:02,120
<font color="

394
00:19:02,120 --> 00:19:04,600
Yeah, yeah, I take a smoke.

395
00:19:04,600 --> 00:19:08,000
Good old Christmas marijuana joint.

396
00:19:13,600 --> 00:19:17,600
Right, anybody for another drink?
Me!

397
00:19:18,960 --> 00:19:20,520
Beth, what about yourself?

398
00:19:20,520 --> 00:19:22,640
Oh, go on, why not?

399
00:19:22,640 --> 00:19:24,920
I'll take one if you're going
through, Michelle.

400
00:19:24,920 --> 00:19:26,720
<font color="

401
00:19:27,720 --> 00:19:29,560
I'll take a lager, Michelle.

402
00:19:30,600 --> 00:19:32,600
Maybes a Jack Daniels.

403
00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,200
Actually, I think Pat
would want me to have both.

404
00:19:40,040 --> 00:19:41,160
LAUGHTER OUTSIDE

405
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:48,640
Oh, boys, boys, boys.

406
00:19:50,360 --> 00:19:53,480
So this is where the party is,
is it?

407
00:19:53,480 --> 00:19:55,920
<font color="
weren't we? Chance. Chance.

408
00:19:59,160 --> 00:20:01,480
I'll come in and give
you a wee hand, Michelle.

409
00:20:01,480 --> 00:20:04,640
Honestly, Colin, it's fine. I'll
manage. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

410
00:20:04,640 --> 00:20:07,880
<font color="
at all. I'll just get by you. OK.

411
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:11,560
Well... Oh, I forgot all about that
wee bit of mistletoe up there.

412
00:20:13,120 --> 00:20:16,080
We were just having a wee chat
about Christmas traditions.

413
00:20:16,080 --> 00:20:17,360
Oh, right.

414
00:20:17,360 --> 00:20:19,040
<font color="

415
00:20:19,040 --> 00:20:21,080
Who brought that, anyway?

416
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:24,160
I'll have a lager
if you're going in.

417
00:20:30,640 --> 00:20:31,920
You all right?

418
00:20:31,920 --> 00:20:34,520
Yeah. We were just saying
how much we're looking forward

419
00:20:34,520 --> 00:20:38,160
to going down to Gordon's
<font color="

420
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:42,440
What'll you be getting for your
Christmas dinner? Huh?

421
00:20:42,440 --> 00:20:46,280
Christmas Day - what's your mum
cooking on Christmas Day?

422
00:20:47,400 --> 00:20:49,400
Er... Is it turkey?

423
00:20:52,840 --> 00:20:54,200
Is it turkey?

424
00:20:54,200 --> 00:20:56,680
It will just be the usual
<font color="

425
00:20:56,680 --> 00:20:59,440
Turkey, roast potatoes... Potatoes?

426
00:21:00,480 --> 00:21:04,200
Yep. I like potatoes.
Yeah, I know. I know.

427
00:21:04,200 --> 00:21:07,200
And green Brussels sprouts.

428
00:21:07,200 --> 00:21:10,040
Oh, well, we'll be happy
with whatever.

429
00:21:10,040 --> 00:21:11,680
Red cabbage.

430
00:21:11,680 --> 00:21:12,720
<font color="

431
00:21:13,760 --> 00:21:15,000
Sorry?

432
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,160
I think there's red cabbage
involved. Right.

433
00:21:19,640 --> 00:21:20,680
Oh.

434
00:21:20,680 --> 00:21:24,600
Here we go. Thank you, Michelle.
Oh, lovely. Thank you, Michelle.

435
00:21:24,600 --> 00:21:27,360
We'll be having duck,
won't we, Cath?

436
00:21:27,360 --> 00:21:30,280
<font color="
dinner, though, is it?

437
00:21:30,280 --> 00:21:33,880
Who says? Who decided we should
have turkey at Christmas anyway?

438
00:21:33,880 --> 00:21:37,400
Well, Gordon, you're brainy.
Tell us.

439
00:21:37,400 --> 00:21:40,440
We're does the Christmas
turkey come from?

440
00:21:48,640 --> 00:21:50,600
<font color="
at me?

441
00:21:52,360 --> 00:21:55,040
It's just tradition, isn't it?

442
00:21:55,040 --> 00:21:58,720
Well, I'll no' be bothering with
turkey if I'm just sat there myself.

443
00:21:58,720 --> 00:22:01,760
Oh, Christine, are you sure
you'll be all right on your own?

444
00:22:01,760 --> 00:22:03,640
Oh, I'll be fine.

445
00:22:03,640 --> 00:22:06,400
<font color="
you over at ours,

446
00:22:06,400 --> 00:22:08,160
but we're away all day. Mm.

447
00:22:08,160 --> 00:22:09,560
Psst! Mr Baird!

448
00:22:09,560 --> 00:22:11,080
Uh-huh?

449
00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:14,360
You can do the toilet
anywhere you like.

450
00:22:15,840 --> 00:22:20,880
Mind you, it can be a long day
<font color="

451
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:23,240
Christine, why don't you just
phone some people?

452
00:22:23,240 --> 00:22:26,320
You know? That's what old folks do,
isn't it, at Christmas time?

453
00:22:26,320 --> 00:22:29,280
Fire up the old landline.

454
00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:31,000
Oh, there is one person

455
00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:34,680
that I would always phone on
<font color="

456
00:22:34,680 --> 00:22:37,760
But sadly, this year, I can't.

457
00:22:41,120 --> 00:22:43,120
Just won't be the same with her.

458
00:22:44,280 --> 00:22:45,680
Aww, Christine.

459
00:22:47,160 --> 00:22:49,040
HE SIGHS

460
00:22:49,040 --> 00:22:50,720
Here's to Pat.

461
00:22:50,720 --> 00:22:52,520
ALL: To Pat.

462
00:22:52,520 --> 00:22:53,560
Pat.

463
00:22:53,560 --> 00:22:54,920
Pat over the back.

464
00:22:54,920 --> 00:22:56,080
Aye.

465
00:22:56,080 --> 00:22:57,440
<font color="

466
00:22:57,440 --> 00:22:59,120
STIFLED LAUGHTER

467
00:23:02,240 --> 00:23:03,800
WHISPERED: Stop it!

468
00:23:03,800 --> 00:23:06,120
Sorry, Christine. Pat over the back.

469
00:23:06,120 --> 00:23:08,960
BADLY SUPRESSED GIGGLING

470
00:23:11,320 --> 00:23:13,280
Sorry. Sorry.

471
00:23:13,280 --> 00:23:14,640
WHEEZY LAUGHTER

472
00:23:14,640 --> 00:23:16,720
Sorry, Christine.

473
00:23:16,720 --> 00:23:19,200
It's no' Pat they're laughing at.

474
00:23:19,200 --> 00:23:21,240
<font color="

475
00:23:21,240 --> 00:23:23,480
It's no'!

476
00:23:23,480 --> 00:23:26,120
GIGGLING CONTINUES

477
00:23:26,120 --> 00:23:29,000
Sorry, Christine. Sorry about this.
Sorry, but, it's...

478
00:23:29,000 --> 00:23:31,480
Alan? What's going on?

479
00:23:31,480 --> 00:23:32,880
Nothin'!

480
00:23:32,880 --> 00:23:34,640
What's the matter wi' them?

481
00:23:34,640 --> 00:23:36,440
ALAN!

482
00:23:36,440 --> 00:23:38,960
We just...had a wee

483
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:40,880
<font color="

484
00:23:40,880 --> 00:23:44,720
Is THAT what you were doing
outside?!

485
00:23:44,720 --> 00:23:46,200
For God's sake, Alan!

486
00:23:46,200 --> 00:23:48,800
This is supposed
to be a Christmas party!

487
00:23:48,800 --> 00:23:49,840
CATHY GASPS

488
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,680
Have you been smoking drugs?

489
00:23:51,680 --> 00:23:53,560
I'm so sorry, Christine.

490
00:23:53,560 --> 00:23:54,880
<font color="

491
00:23:54,880 --> 00:23:56,400
What did they do?

492
00:23:56,400 --> 00:23:58,440
They smoked some "stuff" outside.

493
00:24:00,880 --> 00:24:04,720
Oh, well, Pat would not like that.

494
00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:06,720
Oh, she enjoyed her fags,

495
00:24:06,720 --> 00:24:10,560
but she never, ever touched
the ganja.

496
00:24:10,560 --> 00:24:11,920
HE STIFLES A GUFFAW

497
00:24:11,920 --> 00:24:14,520
Look at him! He's off his tits!

498
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,280
<font color="

499
00:24:17,280 --> 00:24:18,840
Sorry, sorry.

500
00:24:18,840 --> 00:24:20,720
It's Christmas!

501
00:24:20,720 --> 00:24:23,920
It was...it was just a bit of fun.
Just a bit of fun.

502
00:24:23,920 --> 00:24:25,040
Sorry, guys.

503
00:24:25,040 --> 00:24:27,200
No, no, no, no.
This is Alan's fault.

504
00:24:27,200 --> 00:24:29,280
Alan, apologise to Christine.

505
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,720
<font color="
PLAYS IN BACKGROUND

506
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:34,000
Sorry, Christine.

507
00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:35,440
I mean, I feel terrible.

508
00:24:35,440 --> 00:24:37,960
Right in the middle of when she's
talking about Pat over the back...

509
00:24:37,960 --> 00:24:40,040
GIGGLES ERUPT

510
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:43,040
UNDER HIS BREATH: Oh, for ... sake!

511
00:24:43,040 --> 00:24:45,400
<font color="

512
00:24:45,400 --> 00:24:48,040
It's no' your fault.

513
00:24:48,040 --> 00:24:50,080
Sorry. Sorry, Christine.

514
00:24:50,080 --> 00:24:51,200
Sorry.

515
00:24:51,200 --> 00:24:53,560
Would you like us to light
a wee candle for her?

516
00:24:53,560 --> 00:24:56,400
I mean, I know you probably lit one
in the chapel,

517
00:24:56,400 --> 00:24:59,400
but we could light
<font color="

518
00:24:59,400 --> 00:25:01,160
That's a nice idea. Mm.

519
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:02,760
Hmm, aye.

520
00:25:02,760 --> 00:25:04,480
That would be lovely, Michelle.

521
00:25:06,440 --> 00:25:08,240
I tell you what we could do.

522
00:25:08,240 --> 00:25:11,000
Shall we just go out for another
wee smoke?

523
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,440
Naw, remember those lantern thingies
<font color="

524
00:25:13,440 --> 00:25:14,800
MICHELLE GASPS

525
00:25:14,800 --> 00:25:17,640
Why don't we go oot and light one
of them? Aw, they're nice, them.

526
00:25:17,640 --> 00:25:20,200
Aye, they are. And we're
needin' rid of them, so...

527
00:25:21,800 --> 00:25:22,920
DOOR OPENS

528
00:25:32,960 --> 00:25:35,560
UPLIFTING CHRISTMASSY MUSIC BUILDS

529
00:25:40,360 --> 00:25:42,800
<font color="

530
00:25:42,800 --> 00:25:43,920
Not yet, Alan.

531
00:25:45,400 --> 00:25:47,960
Christine, do you want to light it?

532
00:25:47,960 --> 00:25:50,560
Oh, no, I-I'll just watch.

533
00:25:54,200 --> 00:25:57,000


534
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:58,200


535
00:25:58,200 --> 00:25:59,480
Christine.

536
00:25:59,480 --> 00:26:02,080
Me and Cathy were having
a word, and...

537
00:26:02,080 --> 00:26:03,680
<font color="

538
00:26:03,680 --> 00:26:07,480
it doesnae sit right with us to know
that you're going to be in there

539
00:26:07,480 --> 00:26:08,840
on Christmas Day on your own,

540
00:26:08,840 --> 00:26:10,360
having to make your own dinner.

541
00:26:11,280 --> 00:26:12,440
So...

542
00:26:12,440 --> 00:26:13,480
..we've decided...

543
00:26:15,360 --> 00:26:18,800
..we're going to make you a plate
<font color="

544
00:26:20,280 --> 00:26:21,720
Merry Christmas!

545
00:26:24,520 --> 00:26:26,600
Right. You ready?

546
00:26:26,600 --> 00:26:28,200
Yes, yes!

547
00:26:28,200 --> 00:26:31,200


548
00:26:31,200 --> 00:26:33,720
It's a beautiful...

549
00:26:33,720 --> 00:26:36,320


550
00:26:36,320 --> 00:26:40,400


551
00:26:40,400 --> 00:26:43,840
It's going towards Pat's house!

552
00:26:43,840 --> 00:26:47,160
<font color="

553
00:26:47,160 --> 00:26:49,840


554
00:26:49,840 --> 00:26:51,720
Merry Christmas, Christine.

555
00:26:51,720 --> 00:26:53,600


556
00:26:53,600 --> 00:26:54,680
Merry Christmas.

557
00:26:56,400 --> 00:26:58,720


558
00:26:58,720 --> 00:27:01,240
And merry Christmas to you, too,
Gordon.

559
00:27:01,240 --> 00:27:02,720


560
00:27:02,720 --> 00:27:04,400
<font color="

561
00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:06,120
RETCHING

562
00:27:06,120 --> 00:27:09,280
MUSIC: Stop The Cavalry
by Jona Lewie

563
00:27:19,760 --> 00:27:22,120

Dub-a-dub-a-dum

564
00:27:22,120 --> 00:27:24,440

Dub-a-dub-a-dum

565
00:27:24,440 --> 00:27:26,800

Dub-a-dub-a-dum

566
00:27:26,800 --> 00:27:29,720
<font color="
Dub-a-dub-a-dum

567
00:27:29,720 --> 00:27:33,600

for Christmas...

568
00:27:34,840 --> 00:27:36,640
CHURCH ORGAN CHORD

569
00:27:38,480 --> 00:27:39,920
Hello, everyone.

570
00:27:39,920 --> 00:27:42,640
It's lovely to see so many
of you here tonight,

571
00:27:42,640 --> 00:27:45,520
and you all look wonderful in your
<font color="

572
00:27:45,520 --> 00:27:47,480
Now, to start things off,

573
00:27:47,480 --> 00:27:52,880
I'm going to call upon Mrs O'Neill
to come up and say a few words.

574
00:27:52,880 --> 00:27:53,920
Christine.

575
00:27:59,000 --> 00:28:00,600
Thank you, Father.

576
00:28:02,960 --> 00:28:05,560
In the event of a fire...

577
00:28:05,560 --> 00:28:09,960
SLOW FANFARE